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Cultivating your dreams

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My friend, Leah, does this amazing thing that I admire. Actually she does a lot of amazing things, but this is the one I’m going to tell you about.

She sets goals and works to achieve them. And then she assesses and is willing to say “This isn’t working. Let’s change it.” Not many of us will do that – scrap hard-earned goals that just don’t fit.home

When I first met Leah, she and her then fiance were about to buy their dream house. This was going to be their forever home in a suburban neighbourhood with lots of space for a family to grow in to.

Soon Leah and Rob realized the home was too big with space that they never used but still had to heat and clean.

They had to admit they didn’t have the time or inclination to plant that sweet little veggie garden they’d envisioned, and outdoor maintenance was something neither of them liked.

The mortgage strained their budget and didn’t give them much space for savings or the lifestyle they enjoyed.

Rather than hunker in and make excuses for why this, their dream home, would and should and did work, Leah and Rob re-assessed their dream.

They carefully looked at what they loved about their home and what wasn’t working. The weighed what they could give up and what was a must have. And then they made their move. Literally. They bought a charming but slightly smaller townhouse condo with an almost identical layout and feel to their original home.

Sure, they gave up the suburban dream of a big, detached house with a yard. However, now their mortgage payments and other costs are lower. They don’t have to do any outdoor maintenance and have more time to enjoy themselves.

Most importantly, they are happy.

Pride and shame

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ImagePride and shame are opposite sides of the same coin – a coin we create to keep ourselves separated from the rest of humanity.

At the start of their shows, stage hypnotists say jokingly to their selected subjects, “Don’t worry. I won’t make you commit any crimes. I can’t make you do anything that goes against your morals or ethics.”

It’s the same for us. Short of holding a gun to their head, there’s nothing you or I could do to make a person behave in a way that is not in already in their character.

And yet there were times when people I have cared about treated me badly, and I would struggle with feeling ashamed, thinking I had done something to make that person behave so horribly.

Why did I feel ashamed? Why did I think I was the reason someone had behaved badly?

It wasn’t shame. It was actually a twisted case of pride.

I was mistakenly thinking I was so extraordinary I could cause someone else to behave a certain way.

Of course I understand now that when people behave badly, that’s their choice and their response. And my response – pride masked as shame – was my way to make myself special, other and separate.

Online dating – what I learned on Lavalife

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datingI’ve done my fair share of online dating. I’ve met some great guys who are sincerely looking for love and companionship and I’ve also met some cads who’ve lied about everything from their marital status to their sexual preferences and relationship goals. Online dating isn’t that much different from more traditional dating except for a few things.

Online dating compresses the time frame for meeting potential dating partners. Join a dating site and suddenly you’ll meet dozens of potential dating partners in an evening rather than over the span of months. The result can be thrilling and sometimes discouraging. Sure there are crazy people on the dating sites. But they’re out there in real life too. They just come at you faster through online dating. And remember, you are someone’s crazy person too, so stay humble.

Online dating makes it much easier to deceive yourself and potential dating partners.

I can almost guarantee that if a man’s profile says he’s 5’6” he will be 5’3” or shorter. I don’t care how tall a man is. I do care that he’s lying, especially about something so trivial and easy to spot. What else is he lying about?

If you’re going to put up an online dating profile, be impeccable with the facts. You want to attract people for who you really are and not be left squirming when you have to magically lose 30 pounds or grow three inches overnight before that first meeting.

Use the Internet to meet people, not to get to know them. It’s waaaaaay too easy to fill in the gaps between reality and how you want reality to be, and become attached to a fantasy.

So don’t spend too much time online getting to know a potential dating partner. A few emails exchanged will do. If you are interested in someone you’ve met online, arrange to meet. Only once you actually meet someone in real life will you know if there’s chemistry for you both. Trust me – if he/she smells like your sibling, it will be a turn off!

Last thing. It’s dating. It’s supposed to be fun. So go forth, be you and let the world love ya!

Egos and asses

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donkey sanctuary 026This summer I went to The Donkey Sanctuary of Canada – a beautiful working farm where donkeys that have been abandoned or abused can live out their days in comfort. The Sanctuary’s website warns, “Be prepared to be charmed” for good reason.

The donkeys at the Sanctuary are used to visitors and seem to love being patted, brushed and generally adored.

On my first visit to the Sanctuary, a donkey named Misty took a shine to me. She laid her head on my chest, rubbing her ears and cheeks on me. Then she put her head on my shoulder breathing rhythmically in my ear. I was enchanted. I felt special, chosen.

A few weeks after that visit, I eagerly returned to The Donkey Sanctuary to see if Misty and I were still an item or if it had all been a fluke.

Spotting me, Misty strolled over and laid her big head heavily on my shoulder. I happily wrapped my hands around her ears and rubbed her forehead. This was proof to me that I was indeed the donkey whisperer.

Then one of the Sanctuary’s volunteers rushed over declaring “I am concerned about Misty’s behaviour. This is aggressive. Please step away!” She would not accept my protests that Misty and I had a special, cross-species love. Oh no. Eventually I was sorrowfully convinced to “move away from the donkey.”

And so, once again in my life, what I thought was love turned out to be nothing more than some ass trying to dominate me! Ba dum bum.

And here, my friends, is your wise nugget for this post. If my ego hadn’t been so thoroughly engaged, could Misty have made such an ass of me?

Love doesn’t hurt

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I’ve been single and dating for about 35 years. I cannot begin to count the number of hours I’ve spent first revisiting each thrilling moment with whomever was my newest love interest and then, soon enough, miserably dissecting the meaning behind his every word and action looking for a clue about how he felt  and where our relationship was going.  

For me, the first flush of “love” was so heady, a giggle in my tummy, a big, old endorphin rush, brain-soaking-in-chemicals, walking-on-air high. I would be obsessed and infatuated and fully charged. The feeling was deliciously addictive and it was easy to want to fall in “love” with that mysterious, smouldering stranger or smiling sweetie who made me feel soooooo good.   Image

But here’s the trouble with highs and addictions – they have a dark side. The high doesn’t last forever. Eventually I’d crash. I’d hurt. I’d be confused, needy, exposed. That’s not love.  

Now I know better.

Real love doesn’t hurt. With real love, you feel great. You’re sure of your own feelings and your partner’s. You treat each other with care and respect. Everything isn’t perfect, but anything is doable and manageable.  

Real love is not a drug. Real love is sustenance. It nourishes your soul and your life.     

Outgrowing love

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Bye bye, love.

I can see we’re through.

I found in me

What I wanted in you.

GoodbyeLove

All they have is money

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This week a friend and I went to dinner at a downtown restaurant. The week has been especially cold with the nighttime temperatures approaching -30C.

As we neared the restaurant a very thin young man dressed only in jeans, a sweatshirt and a knit hat asked us if we had a bus ticket we could give him.

Without hesitating I reached into my wallet for one. As I was doing this, the young man explained that he hated to ask for money but wanted to get to the overnight homeless shelter. I gave him the ticket and a $5 bill. He whooped with happiness and gave me a hug thanking me over and over and over. He exclaimed, “Now I can go inside and have a coffee first and get warm!” I wished him a good night and he rushed off up the street to a coffee shop.

My friend turned to me with a curious expression and before he could say anything I told him “That’s why I always carry cash.”

He replied, “You’re more generous than I am. You won’t get rich giving it away.”

I answered, “I am already rich because I know I have enough to share. Those other people you call “rich”? All they have is money.”

How to be powerful

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It seems as if our society is fascinated by, even celebrates, destruction.

We have that awful term “shock and awe” from the second Gulf war. We have ____mageddon (here close to Toronto that would be snowmageddon for example) and ____apocalypse (What isn’t an apolcalypse these days? Zombies, turkeys, weather, shopping).

Popular news favors the unsavory and we’re deluged with images of war, violence, crime and other horrors. Insults, sarcasm, explosions, war games, gladiator sports and brawls pass as entertainment. We’re endlessly wowed with our own ability to destroy and be horrible.

Are we drawn to the power inherent in these destructive images; the power to turn our world upside down, to rip each other or a country apart, or freeze it in its tracks?

Is destruction powerful? No. Creation is the ultimate power.  

Which is more powerful? Hurting a person or animal or using love and patience to restore health and trust? Is it more meaningful to tear down a society or to build one? Which are more enduring? Works of beauty and skill or acts of vandalism and destruction?

Victory Hand BY KANAGRAJ RAJ

Victory Hand
BY KANAGRAJ RAJ

If I can choose my response to any situation – and I can, and so can you – then choosing optimism, hope and kindness is the constructive, powerful choice.

Being morally brave, standing up for what is right, taking the high road, building, growing, creating and being generous are the hallmarks of a powerful person.

If you don’t like it, don’t look.

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I only ever met my paternal grandmother once when I was four-years old. I remember her as dour and commanding – a woman who had lived in Berlin during both World Wars and had experienced starvation, economic depression and war crimes.

She was also a diehard (pun intended) smoker. I was a pint-sized but vocal anti-smoking campaigner.

She would light up a cigarette and I would tell her that it was killing her, that it was killing me to see her smoking, that it was a bad thing to do and on and on and on.

Not a woman to be dictated to by anyone, least of all a preachy child, her response was a stern and nonnegotiable “If you don’t like it, don’t look.” Please keep in mind that in 1969, no one knew about the dangers of second hand smoke.

“If you don’t like it, don’t look.” It’s not an invitation to avoid seeing what’s unpleasant in the world. Those things need to be seen and known about.

No, what my grandmother was saying was “I’ll do what is right for me without regard to the opinions or criticisms of others. If it bothers them, then they can go away.”

I know so many people who want to try things but won’t because they may look silly or won’t be “good enough.”

fatladyWho hasn’t heard a woman say “I’d never go to the beach looking like this. I’m too fat/pale/lumpy.”?

Thanks to my grandmother, when I hear something of that ilk, I reply “Gee, if I’m ever too ugly to look at, everyone else can put a bag over their heads.”

And I mean it. Go out and do whatever you want and remember, if “they” don’t like it, “they” don’t have to look.

Give time time

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carnationWhen I was a very young child, I used to go to my mother’s carnation garden and try to open up all the budding flowers. At first I thought I could speed things along – get the buds fully open and beautiful so my mother could enjoy them sooner.

Even after my mother patiently and, what I can see now was the exercising of loving-mother restraint, repeatedly explained to me that I was not helping but was in fact destroying the flowers and they would never bloom, I persisted in trying to open the buds.

I knew my mother said it was wrong to do. I knew she said it wouldn’t work and that it upset her, but I was pretty sure that the laws of nature didn’t apply to me. Don’t we all think that sometimes?

You just have to give some things the time they need: to grow, to heal, to open, to close, to develop, to rise or recede. You can’t help every process along. What you can do is get out of the way and give time time.