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One hand washes the other

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Twice in my life I’ve spent some time with one-armed men (and a one-legged man but he was dead and telling no tales). Both times the question that burned for me was “How does he wash his hands?” I even screwed up the nerve to ask one of the men. He looked at me stonily and answered “I manage.” That answer neither cleared up the mystery nor give me any confidence in his hand hygiene.

Meeting these men conjured the memory of my mother announcing “one hand washes the other” with cheery satisfaction as we completed a task together that was exponentially easier to do as a team than solo – think folding fitted bed sheets.

handwashingThat expression coupled with my mother’s contentment as she said it invariably induced a lucid visual of soapy hands sliding over each other, cleaning and being cleaned, engaged in a mutually rewarding exercise. Then I’d wonder, “Well, is there any other way to wash one’s hands?”

Apparently there is, but I don’t know the answer and the one-armed men are not telling.

Help! Help me please!

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Last week something suddenly popped in my knee. The pain was debilitating and frightening. But most troubling for me was feeling out of control – I didn’t know what was wrong or what to do.

I have always done things for myself. When I was a child, my mother was distracted and busy trying to do it all herself – raise three children alone, work full time, go to school, maintain a household. I learned very quickly to not ask for things and to rely on myself.

That self-reliance is a blessing and a curse. I’m proud that I’m capable and resourceful. But, more than any knee injury could, I hobble myself because I do not want to ask for help. I don’t want to be rejected. I don’t want to impose. I don’t want to need people.

But sometimes I just cannot do it all myself and this was one of those times.help

I phoned a neighbour and asked if I could borrow a cane from his collection. He promptly brought me a selection of canes and walking sticks to choose from.

I called another neighbour and asked if he was free to take me to the hospital. He was and on the way to the emergency room he even arranged a later date to run errands for me.

The next day, I phoned the office to ask if someone could unlock my laptop and have it waiting for me at the security desk. I said I’d send a cab over to pick it up. The response was “Oh no. We can’t do that. We’ll bring it over. And do you need anything from the pharmacy?” The laptop and Tylenol were delivered within the hour along with best healing wishes from our security team.

And so it went. I soon realized that every time I asked for help, I got it – and more!

We all like to feel needed and useful. People want to help. But sometimes we need to be helped. Admitting  when you need to ask for help and receiving it gracefully is just as important as giving help; helper and helpee need each other.

p.s. I had a Baker’s cyst rupture in my knee. It’s healing nicely and I’m up and walking around again.

50 things that make me happy – part 2

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Perhaps the simplest but deepest wisdom is just being happy.

With my 50th birthday less than three weeks away, I decided to list 50 things that make me happy. This list is in no particular order and by no means is it complete. I’ve left off the big and obvious ones – my friends, family, job and health

1.       Learning something completely new – especially a concept or idea that forever changes the way I understand the world.
2.       Kindness – more and more this is the trait I respect and admire and want to emulate

3.       The full moon.  fullmoon
4.       History. I’m fascinated by the past and how enduring and universal human nature is even as cultures, technologies and ideas change.

5.       Reading poetry. Here’s my favourite poem.
6.       A great big laugh. It’s the best day when I’ve laughed until I’m in tears.
7.       Ghost stories.

8.       Snorkelling –only the sound of my own rhythmic breathing and a secret underwater kingdom before me.
9.       Foot rubs and scalp massages.
10.   Thunderstorms.

11.   Cooking and baking – it’s like magical alchemy right in my kitchen

12.   Fancy soaps, especially handmade soaps
13.   Dawn – still and stirring, promising a fresh start.
haka14.   Watching dancing of any type – from the ballet to the Maori haka.
15.   Coronation Street. I’ve been watching since I was 25 years old and it’s like an old friend now.

16.   Stargazing. Contemplating the universe is mind busting and humbling.

17.   Champagne cocktails.champagne
18.   The Internet, email, text etc. My father lived in Germany when I was a child and I only knew him from handwritten letters and the very rare, rushed, short phone call. How would our relationship have been if we had had Skype and email and file sharing?

19.   And having said that, I love to getting real mail – handwritten addresses on a card or parcel – hooray!
20.   Cheese. I’m pretty sure it’s my favourite food.
21.   Being naked. I’ve hate wearing clothes and only do it out of civility and for warmth.
22.   Animals. They amaze me with their sheer variety, beauty, zenlike purpose, abilities and authenticity.
23.   Frogs singing on a hot summer night.

24.   Walking through the woods – any season or weather! Woods

25. Getting into a freshly made bed – the sheets crisp and clean. Ahhhh!

50 things that make me happy – part 1

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Perhaps the simplest but deepest wisdom is just being happy.

With my 50th birthday less than three weeks away, I decided to list 50 things that make me happy. This list is in no particular order and by no means is it complete. I’ve left off the big and obvious ones – my friends, family, job and health.

1         Daffodils daffodil
2.       A shower after a hot, dirty, sweaty day.
3.       Bright winter days so cold the snow squeaks
4.       Magic. Fairy tales. Fantasy. Sci-fi. Take me away, baby!
5.       Treasure hunts, scavenger hunts, geocaching… even a word search game.
6.       Travelling – all the new places, faces, smells, sights, foods and sounds that challenge, delight, intrigue and excite.
7.       Those first green shoots in the garden. After months of Canadian winter, they are a thrill and a promise.
8.       Ringing church bells

9.       Eggs. I love what they represent. I love their shape. I love the way they look and feel. I love their incredible fragility and yet they have the strength of a dome structure (bet you can’t crush a chicken egg in your hand).eggs
10.   The smell of tomato plants in the sun.
11.   Swimming and playing in the water.

12.   Philosophical debates

13.   Pine trees – the way they smell, their wooden, fractal-inspired cones and their deep moan on windy nights
14.   Board games. I loved them as a kid and I still love them now.
15.   Songs from the ’80s. I was a teenager then and no music is more evocative for me.
16.   The first cup of coffee in the morning.
17.   Skeletons and skulls.skeleton
18.   Sincere compliments – giving and getting them
19.   Really good shoes – especially red ones.
20.   Hallowe’en – the colours, the candies, the dressing up and costumes, the spooky fun and giggly scares.
21.   Nuzzling the warm little nape of a baby’s neck and smelling that baby smell.
22.   No alarm clocks. I love a morning where I don’t have to be up by a certain time even if I rarely sleep in.

23.   Horses’ hooves clip clopping.
24.   A big cozy chair, a drink, a great book, likely a kitty snuggled in my lap and time to read.
25.   Making out. Oh how I love to kiss and kiss and kiss.

kisss

Just ask!

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I’m always amazed at how often people won’t ask a question they want answered. Instead they will specuasklate, assume, dread and hope for an answer. But they never just ask.

When we want to know something, why don’t we just ask?

I’ve sat in mental misery spinning over a question endlessly: Does he like me? Is my boss upset? What did she mean by that? Will I be invited? Do we have any unfinished business? etc. etc. And I’ve seen plenty of other people – people old enough to know better – do the same thing.

When it finally dawned on me to just start asking, the relief was immense. It sounds so simple and obvious doesn’t it? But do you do it? Do you just ask?

Just asking does require a bit of bravery, some clarity, and self-awareness. Here are a few tips to get you started on your path to just asking:

  • Don’t expect answers or even civility in response to questions that are none of your business.
  • Sometimes answers will come in time. It’s okay to be patient and simply observe. Sometimes you already know the answer inside.
  • Don’t ask questions to which you’re not prepared to hear any answer.  If your heart is set on only one answer or outcome, then that’s not a question you should ask.
  • If you want something and you’re already at “no”, you have nothing to lose by asking. People cannot respond with yes to the unasked question. I’ve been given plants, food, drinks, jewelry, raises, better seating, upgrades, discounts and help just because I asked. So ask!

Can I ask you something? What keeps you from just asking?

So you think you’re so smart….

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I love being exposed to new ideas. Sometimes they’re challenging or even scary to contemplate, but always, whole new worlds are revealed. I don’t want to miss out on that, so I’m alert for habits that can limit my ability to think well.  Smart

Clifford Nass, a professor of communication at Stanford University was quoted in the New York Times as saying “We tend to see people who say negative things as smarter than those who are positive. If I tell you that you are going to give a lecture before smarter people, you will say more negative things.”

Notice Professor Nass doesn’t say that negative people are actually smarter, just that we tend to think they are.

A well-thought-out argument and lively debate are excellent ways to sharpen your intellect and ability to think critically. But critical thinking doesn’t mean one has to be negative. I can certainly give a reasoned argument that’s positive.

Being constantly negative and critical, especially if it’s done simply to try and impress others (or yourself – yikes!) with your intelligence, is a surefire way to limit your ability to see what’s good and working. It’s also a mental habit that diminishes happiness. No smart person would do that to themselves.

Perspective changes reality

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map

What’s going on here?

This map is the Hobo-Dyer Equal Area Projection map. It shows the globe from a different perspective than what we’re used to seeing, especially in our northern-hemisphere-centric view.

North and south are arbitrary, man-made designations. We’ve decided that north is up, but that’s not how our planet actually operates. Satellite videos of our globe show the reality. Without the usual map guideposts and orientation, you might not even recognize the countries you’re looking at.

The Hobo-Dyer map flips the hemispheres. Similarly the land mass shown on this map more accurately reflects actual area, with shapes towards the poles becoming flattened where our globe is smaller.

It’s the exact same world. It’s the exact same information we’ve always had. But by changing the perspective, we literally have a new worldview.

Angels and unicorns

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lipazzanI recently visited Vienna and attended a performance of the Royal Lipazzan stallions accompanied by  the Vienna Boys’ Choir.

The horses were so dazzling they seemed unreal. Their arched necks and rippling, muscled haunches spoke of controlled power.

The show’s host explained that that Spanish Riding School worked with the horses’ natural abilities and perfected them. Through years of training and close partnership between horse and rider, the horses could achieve astounding feats of grace and strength. With their snowy white coats and smooth, dancing steps, these glorious creatures seemed to float, otherworldly and
proud.

The boys in the choir sang along as the horses went through their moves. I was charmed by these young boys. They stood and fidgeted. They smiled and gave each other playful sidelong glances. Their choir master beamed.

And then they sang, filling the riding hall with the sounds of angels.

As with the horses, these boys had taken their natural abilities and, through training and partnership, elevated their talents to something heavenly and beyond what most of us could ever hope to achieve (or indeed even hear in our lifetimes).

It’s true that both the boys and the horses are selected as the very best of their ilk. But neither could achieve the pinnacles of their success and magnificent achievement without the willingness to work hard, and most importantly, the desire to shine and share their talents.

What could each of us achieve if we acknowledged our natural gifts and were willing to develop and share them?

Like attracts like

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Uniformity

“Ugh,” my friend groaned in exasperation as we discussed how society views childless, unmarried women. “Why do people have to judge and label other people?”

“To try to know them,” I replied. “People label others who are different in an attempt to put them in a knowable, safe place.” I mimed putting an object in a shoe box and onto a shelf, “’There. I know you now. You are a spinster with all that entails.”

Sadly this is a common response in the world. We judge and label based on societal norms and our own values and experience. And as a rule, we like to be with people who have made the same life choices we have. It’s affirming and easy. People who are like us are tacitly saying we are okay and making the right life choices.

If you take a new path in life – move away, go to school, start a new career, marry, have children, change your beliefs or lifestyle – you can expect that many people will leave your sphere, either because they walk away or you disconnect from them.

The challenge and reward is embracing people who are different from you. They are the ones who will help you grow and develop a rich, multifaceted life.

Heutzie’s tips for packing for travel

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I’ve taken my fair share of trips and learned a few things along the way about packing for vacation. This list isn’t complete. These are just points I’ve encountered that I’ve never seen covered in other travel tip lists.

  1.  Plan what you’re going to wear. Pick a color palette. That way you’ll be able to assemble more outfits with fewer traveltipspieces of clothing because everything will coordinate with everything else. For example, for my next vacation, I have a palette of black, tan and red. I’m only packing black bottoms, a pair of red walking shoes and a pair of black ones and a pair of black dress shoes. All my tops will coordinate with each other and all tops work with all the bottoms. A few scarves will change up the look and yes, I will wear items more than once.
  2. Think through your entire outfit and your entire day/itinerary. I forgot to pack socks once and had to spend the entire first day of a business trip wearing boots and bare feet. Disastrous? No. But not ideal either. Similarly, I showed up at a resort with no pajamas. At home I sleep in the nude, but on this trip I was sharing a room with my gal pal, Cheryl, who luckily had brought extra pajamas.
  3. Wheeled suitcases are great and take the lug out of luggage. But you better be able to carry your suitcase, if necessary. Wheels fall off. Stairs and landings happen and sometimes – it’s happened to me – you will be required to hoist your luggage over your head and through a bus window. Besides, airlines charge extortionist rates for overweight luggage and who wants to start a vacation being slapped with a fee?
  4. As a solo traveller, I recommend you travel lightly enough that you and your suitcase will fit in a bathroom stall together. You cannot leave your luggage out unattended and do you really want to leave it with a stranger?
  5. Forgot trying to de-wrinkle clothes in a steamy bathroom. I make wrinkle releaser. Put 15 ml (1 tablespoon) of liquid fabric softener in a clean 500 ml (approximately 2 cup) spray bottle. When you arrive at your destination, fill the bottle with water. Spray this mixture on any wrinkled, washable clothing and hang. The wrinkles will fall right out. I haven’t ironed anything in years!
  6. Pack a few plastic bags. They’re great for your return trip when you’ll have dirty or wet clothing you want to store and possibly bottles of liquids (perfume, wine from a prince’s vineyard) that you don’t want leaking onto your gear.

Bon voyage!